Most of us have an inner critic. It is the voice that tells us we should have done better, that we made a mistake, that we are not good enough, or that we need to try harder. Some amount of self-criticism is normal. But for people who grew up in highly critical, unpredictable, or emotionally unsafe environments, the inner critic can become much more than an occasional voice of self-doubt.
Sometimes, the voice inside your head sounds remarkably similar to the voices you grew up around.
You may have spent years hearing that you were too sensitive, too lazy, too difficult, too emotional, or never quite good enough. Eventually, those messages can become internalized. Even when the people who originally said them are no longer around, you may continue repeating them to yourself.
How Our Environment Becomes Our Inner Voice
Children are highly dependent on the people around them. They rely on caregivers to help them understand themselves, other people, and the world.
When a child is repeatedly criticized, shamed, dismissed, or held to unrealistic expectations, they may begin to form beliefs about themselves based on those experiences.
“I’m not allowed to make mistakes.”
“I have to be useful to be valued.”
“My feelings are a problem.”
“If someone is upset with me, I must have done something wrong.”
“I’m only worthy when I’m succeeding.”
Over time, these beliefs can become automatic. What once came from an external source becomes an internal monologue.
This doesn’t necessarily mean you consciously agree with these messages. You may intellectually know that your parents, teachers, partners, or other people in your past were unfair. But knowing something logically and no longer being affected by it emotionally are two different things
When Self-Criticism Becomes a Form of Protection
For people with histories of chronic trauma, self-criticism can sometimes serve a protective function. If you learned that making a mistake resulted in anger, rejection, humiliation, or punishment, becoming extremely critical of yourself may have helped you anticipate and prevent those consequences.
Instead of waiting for someone else to tell you that you did something wrong, you learn to tell yourself first.
Instead of waiting for someone to become disappointed, you constantly monitor your own behavior.
Instead of thinking, “I made a mistake,” your mind may immediately jump to, “How could I be so stupid?”
The criticism may feel cruel, but underneath it can be an attempt to maintain control: If I can identify everything wrong with me before someone else does, maybe I can prevent something worse from happening.
This is one reason that simply telling yourself to “stop being so hard on yourself” may not be particularly effective. The inner critic may not feel like an enemy. It may feel like something that is keeping you safe.
The Inner Critic Doesn’t Always Sound Exactly Like the People Who Hurt Us
Sometimes the connection is obvious. You might recognize the exact phrases your parent(s) used, or notice that your self-talk sounds eerily similar to a former partner or authority figure.
Other times, the connection is more subtle.
Maybe you grew up in an environment where mistakes were treated as evidence of laziness or incompetence. Now, a small mistake at work can trigger an overwhelming sense of shame.
Maybe your feelings were routinely dismissed. Now, whenever you are upset, you immediately tell yourself that you’re being dramatic.
Maybe you were praised primarily for achievement. Now, accomplishing something brings temporary relief rather than satisfaction because your mind immediately moves on to the next thing you need to prove.
The original environment may be gone, but its rules can remain.
Recognizing the Difference Between Accountability and Shame
A healthy inner voice can acknowledge mistakes without attacking your sense of worth.
It might sound like:
“That didn’t go the way I wanted. What can I do differently next time?”
An internalized critical voice might sound more like:
“I always screw things up. Why can’t I do anything right?”
Both recognize that something went wrong, but they communicate very different messages.
Accountability focuses on behavior: What happened, and what can I do about it?
Shame focuses on identity: What is wrong with me?
Being able to distinguish between the two can be an important part of understanding your inner critic. Not every negative thought is an accurate assessment of who you are. Sometimes it is an old rule that you learned in an environment where you had little choice but to adapt.
You Don’t Have to Believe Every Thought You Inherited
Changing an internalized critical voice isn’t necessarily about replacing every negative thought with an overly positive one. If you grew up hearing harsh messages about yourself, suddenly telling yourself “I’m amazing and I never make mistakes!” may not feel particularly believable.
A more useful starting point may be learning to question the voice itself.
- Where did I learn this?
- Would I speak to someone else this way?
- Is this helping me respond to what is happening now, or am I reacting to an old expectation?
- Am I evaluating what I actually did, or attacking who I am?
With time, it becomes possible to develop a different relationship with that voice. You can acknowledge that it developed for a reason without allowing it to dictate how you see yourself.
The goal isn’t necessarily to never criticize yourself again. It is to be able to recognize when your self-talk is grounded in the present, and when you are hearing an echo of an environment you no longer live in.
You may have learned that being hard on yourself was necessary to stay safe, earn approval, or avoid rejection. But what once helped you adapt does not necessarily need to remain the way you treat yourself forever.
Seek An Individual Therapist at Yellow Chair Collective in Los Angeles or New York
If you are seeking therapy specifically tailored to your needs, consider reaching out to the therapists at Yellow Chair Collective. We understand that there may be unique contextual factors that may influence your experiences.
At our Los Angeles, CA, and New York City, NY-based therapy practice, we have many skilled, trauma-informed, and culturally sensitive therapists who can provide an empowering therapeutic experience. For your added convenience and simplicity, we offer online therapy for anyone in the state of California or New York. We know that navigating your mental health journey can be challenging, and we want to support you along the way. Follow the steps below to begin.
- Fill out the contact form to get connected with us.
- Get matched with one of our culturally sensitive therapists.
- Start the next step in your healing journey today.
Other Services at Yellow Chair Collective
There are many options for treatment using online therapy in California and New York, it just depends on what you’re needing. And while we certainly service Asian American folks, we also work with individuals from other cultures, too. So, whether you’re needing support in overcoming anxiety, burnout, trauma, or PTSD, we can help. Likewise, we serve teens and couples in need of support, too. So when you start online therapy with us, you can bring your whole self, including past struggles, cultural impacts, and more.
