Whenever a high-profile case of sexual violence against a woman makes the news, a familiar response often follows.
Not all men.
What about false accusations?
Men can be victims too.
We don’t know the whole story.
What if she’s lying?
Some of these statements contain truths in isolation. Not all men sexually assault women, and men can absolutely be victims of sexual violence. False accusations can happen, and individual cases should be investigated carefully and fairly.
But there is something worth examining when these are the first and most urgent responses to a woman’s account of sexual violence.
Why is your first instinct to defend yourself?
Why does hearing about violence against women immediately become a conversation about your innocence?
Why does your discomfort need to be resolved before you can acknowledge someone else’s suffering?
The recent allegations surrounding Cornell University have once again brought these questions into public conversation. A former student, identified in court documents as Jane Doe, alleges that she was sexually assaulted by multiple men at a fraternity house in 2024. Her allegations have led to a civil lawsuit, renewed scrutiny of Cornell’s handling of the case, and a reopened criminal investigation. Cornell has also initiated an independent review of its response.
The details of the case are still being investigated, and there are legitimate questions about what happened and how the various accounts should be evaluated.
But something can be true regardless of how the legal process ultimately unfolds:
Sexual violence against women is a real and widespread problem, and women should be able to talk about it without the conversation immediately being redirected toward protecting men’s feelings, reputations, or anxieties.
“Not All Men” Is Not the Point
When women talk about sexual harassment, assault, coercion, or fear of sexual violence, they generally aren’t saying that every individual man is dangerous.
Most women already know that.
The point is that women are navigating a world in which sexual violence is common enough that they have had to develop strategies around it: texting friends when they get home, sharing their location, carrying keys between their fingers, watching their drinks, being cautious about accepting rides, calculating whether rejecting someone might make them angry, or deciding whether a particular situation feels safe enough to leave.
So when a woman says, “Women are afraid of sexual violence,” responding with “Not all men” misses the point.
She knows. The question is not whether you personally are a rapist.
The question is whether you care that women are experiencing something you may never have to think about in the same way. You don’t need to be personally responsible for a problem in order to care about it.
Ask Yourself Why “False Accusation” Is Your First Thought
There is also a particular kind of defensiveness that appears whenever a woman makes an allegation of sexual assault: immediately asking whether she could be lying.
Again, false accusations exist. It is reasonable for allegations to be investigated carefully, and everyone accused of a crime is entitled to due process. But there is a difference between supporting a fair investigation and treating the possibility that a woman is lying as the most important thing to discuss.
If your immediate reaction to hearing about a woman allegedly being raped is to search for reasons she might be dishonest, ask yourself why.
What does it mean that your first emotional concern is “What if the man is innocent?” rather than “If this happened, that is horrifying”?
“What About Men?” Can Be True and Still Be Misplaced
Men experience sexual violence too. This matters. Male victims deserve to be believed, supported, and taken seriously.
But when someone brings up male victims primarily in response to women discussing violence against women, it is worth asking whether they’re actually expanding the conversation, or derailing it.
You don’t need to interrupt a conversation about violence against women to remind everyone that men can be victims. There are countless opportunities to talk about male survivors. If your concern for male victims only seems to emerge when women are talking about their own experiences, that’s something worth examining.
Because “men experience sexual violence too” and “women experience widespread sexual violence” can both be true. One does not cancel out the other.
What Are You Defending?
Perhaps the most important question is this: What exactly are you feeling defensive about?
If someone says, “Women deserve to be safe from sexual violence,” and you feel personally accused, why?
If someone says, “Women are often taught from a young age to protect themselves from men,” and your first response is to insist that you’re one of the good ones, why?
If someone describes being sexually assaulted and you immediately feel compelled to explain why the victim might be unreliable, why?
Nobody asked you to confess to something you didn’t do. Nobody said you personally are responsible for another man’s actions.
And nobody benefits from you making yourself the center of a conversation about someone else’s trauma.
Sometimes defensiveness is telling you something.
It may be telling you that you feel accused when no accusation was actually made. It may be telling you that you are uncomfortable confronting the possibility that people who resemble you—or people you know, respect, or identify with—are capable of causing serious harm.
And sometimes it may simply be difficult to sit with the fact that the world is less safe for many women than you have personally experienced it to be. You don’t have to resolve that discomfort by arguing with women.
You can sit with it. You can listen. You can learn.
You Don’t Have to Be One of the “Bad Men” to Care About What Happens Next
The goal isn’t for men to walk away from conversations about sexual violence feeling ashamed for being men. Rather, the goal is for men to become capable of hearing about violence against women without immediately making themselves the subject.
You can recognize that not all men commit sexual violence and acknowledge that sexual violence is disproportionately perpetrated by men against women.
You can believe that false accusations should be taken seriously and recognize that reflexively treating every woman who comes forward as a potential liar contributes to a culture in which survivors are afraid to speak.
You can care about male survivors and listen when women talk about their experiences.
You can believe in due process and have compassion for someone describing what may have been one of the most traumatic experiences of her life.
And perhaps the next time you feel that familiar urge to type “not all men,” “what about false accusations?” or “what about male victims?”, pause for a moment. Ask yourself:
Is this actually something that needs to be said right now? Or am I uncomfortable enough with this conversation that I need to make it about me?
Sometimes the most meaningful thing a man can contribute to a conversation about women’s experiences isn’t a defense of himself. It’s simply:
“This is horrifying. I hope she gets justice.”
Seek An Individual Therapist at Yellow Chair Collective in Los Angeles or New York
If you are seeking therapy specifically tailored to your needs, consider reaching out to the therapists at Yellow Chair Collective. We understand that there may be unique contextual factors that may influence your experiences.
At our Los Angeles, CA, and New York City, NY-based therapy practice, we have many skilled, trauma-informed, and culturally sensitive therapists who can provide an empowering therapeutic experience. For your added convenience and simplicity, we offer online therapy for anyone in the state of California or New York. We know that navigating your mental health journey can be challenging, and we want to support you along the way. Follow the steps below to begin.
- Fill out the contact form to get connected with us.
- Get matched with one of our culturally sensitive therapists.
- Start the next step in your healing journey today.
Other Services at Yellow Chair Collective
There are many options for treatment using online therapy in California and New York, it just depends on what you’re needing. And while we certainly service Asian American folks, we also work with individuals from other cultures, too. So, whether you’re needing support in overcoming anxiety, burnout, trauma, or PTSD, we can help. Likewise, we serve teens and couples in need of support, too. So when you start online therapy with us, you can bring your whole self, including past struggles, cultural impacts, and more.
