When people hear the words postpartum depression, they may imagine a new mother who is crying frequently, struggling to bond with her baby, or unable to get out of bed.
Those experiences can certainly be part of postpartum depression. But depression after having a baby doesn’t always look the way we expect it to.
Sometimes it looks like irritability, anxiety, numbness, resentment, perfectionism, or an overwhelming need to control everything. Sometimes it looks like someone who appears to be doing exceptionally well while privately feeling like they’re barely holding themselves together.
This matters because when postpartum depression doesn’t fit our expectations, it can be easier to miss.
A new parent may think, I’m not depressed. I’m just tired.
Or:
I love my baby, so I can’t be depressed.
I’m still functioning.
I have no reason to be unhappy.
But postpartum depression isn’t necessarily about whether you love your baby or whether you’re capable of taking care of them. It’s about changes in your emotional and psychological wellbeing during an enormous period of physical, hormonal, relational, and identity-related change.
Irritability and Anger
Depression isn’t always sadness.
For some postpartum parents, one of the most noticeable changes is becoming unusually irritable or angry. Small things may suddenly feel unbearable. They may feel disproportionately frustrated by their partner, family members, or even their baby.
They may think, Why is everyone bothering me? or I can’t stand being touched anymore.
They may feel ashamed afterward, particularly if anger doesn’t fit their image of what a “good” parent is supposed to feel like.
But irritability can be a manifestation of depression, particularly when it represents a significant change from someone’s usual emotional baseline.
Feeling Numb Instead of Sad
Sometimes a friendship ends because of a specific event.
A friend may have shared something you told them in confidence. They may have repeatedly dismissed your feelings, spoken negatively about you behind your back, lied to you, or failed to show up during moments when you truly needed them.
Trust is the foundation of any close relationship. Once it has been damaged, rebuilding it requires genuine accountability, consistent behavioral change, and mutual willingness to repair the relationship.
Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing.
You may eventually forgive someone while still recognizing that the friendship no longer feels emotionally safe. Choosing not to continue a relationship after repeated hurt is not vindictive. It can be an act of self-respect.
Resentment
There can be enormous pressure to feel grateful and happy after having a baby, which can make resentment particularly difficult to acknowledge.
A parent may resent how much their life has changed. They may resent their partner for being able to leave the house, sleep uninterrupted, or maintain parts of their previous life. They may even feel resentment toward the baby.
Having those feelings does not mean someone doesn’t love their child.
Two things can be true at the same time:
“I love my baby.” AND “I desperately miss my old life.”
The inability to acknowledge the second feeling can create even more shame and isolation.
Anxiety and Constant Checking
Postpartum depression can also present with significant anxiety. A parent may constantly worry that something is wrong with the baby, repeatedly check whether the baby is breathing, obsess over feeding or sleeping, or feel unable to relax when someone else is caring for their child.
Some worry is completely understandable. But when anxiety becomes persistent, overwhelming, or difficult to control, it may be a sign that something more is going on.
Postpartum depression and anxiety can also occur together, and postpartum OCD can involve intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors that deserve their own attention.
Perfectionism and Hyper-Competence
This is one of the easier presentations to overlook.
Some struggling parents become more productive, not less.
They may obsessively organize the nursery, track every feeding and nap, research parenting techniques for hours, maintain an immaculate home, or become extremely rigid about schedules.
From the outside, it may look like they’re thriving.
Internally, however, they may be operating from fear:
“If I don’t do everything perfectly, something terrible will happen.”
Perfectionism can become an attempt to create control during an incredibly uncertain period. But the standard keeps moving, leaving the parent feeling like they are never doing enough.
Losing Yourself
Having a baby can radically change someone’s identity. You are suddenly someone’s parent while simultaneously trying to figure out how to remain yourself.
For some people, postpartum depression can intensify this identity disruption.
They may think:
“I don’t recognize myself anymore.”
“Where did I go?”
“My entire existence is taking care of other people.”
This isn’t necessarily a rejection of parenthood. It can be grief for a previous version of yourself while simultaneously trying to construct a new one.
“But I Should Be Happy”
Perhaps one of the most painful aspects of postpartum depression is the guilt that can accompany it.
There can be tremendous cultural pressure to view having a baby as one of life’s happiest experiences. So when someone isn’t happy, they may conclude that they’re failing.
“I should be grateful.”
“My baby is healthy. I have no reason to feel this way.”
“Other people would do anything to have what I have.”
But gratitude and depression can coexist.
You can love your baby and struggle. You can be grateful for your family and feel miserable. You can have wanted your pregnancy and still experience postpartum depression.
And you can be a good parent who needs help.
Recognizing the Signs
One of the biggest barriers to recognizing postpartum depression is the belief that struggling has to look a certain way.
You don’t have to be crying all day. You don’t have to hate being a parent. You don’t have to be unable to care for your baby. And you don’t have to look like you’re falling apart.
Sometimes postpartum depression looks like the person who is doing everything right while silently falling apart inside.
If you or someone you love has noticed significant emotional changes after having a baby—particularly persistent sadness, irritability, anxiety, numbness, hopelessness, loss of interest, or overwhelming guilt—it’s worth talking to a healthcare or mental health professional.
Struggling doesn’t make you a bad parent. You deserve support, too.
Seek An Individual Therapist at Yellow Chair Collective in Los Angeles or New York
If you are seeking therapy specifically tailored to your needs, consider reaching out to the therapists at Yellow Chair Collective. We understand that there may be unique contextual factors that may influence your experiences.
At our Los Angeles, CA, and New York City, NY-based therapy practice, we have many skilled, trauma-informed, and culturally sensitive therapists who can provide an empowering therapeutic experience. For your added convenience and simplicity, we offer online therapy for anyone in the state of California or New York. We know that navigating your mental health journey can be challenging, and we want to support you along the way. Follow the steps below to begin.
- Fill out the contact form to get connected with us.
- Get matched with one of our culturally sensitive therapists.
- Start the next step in your healing journey today.
Other Services at Yellow Chair Collective
There are many options for treatment using online therapy in California and New York, it just depends on what you’re needing. And while we certainly service Asian American folks, we also work with individuals from other cultures, too. So, whether you’re needing support in overcoming anxiety, burnout, trauma, or PTSD, we can help. Likewise, we serve teens and couples in need of support, too. So when you start online therapy with us, you can bring your whole self, including past struggles, cultural impacts, and more.
