About 1 in 5 people in the US identify as neurodivergent. This means that you are possibly in a relationship with someone who is neurodivergent, or you are neurodivergent yourself. Clients who seek out couples or family counseling often come in wanting to address ongoing tensions and conflicts in their relationships. Oftentimes, these clients are neurotypical and can’t seem to understand why their partner, parent, or child act and behave in such “annoying” or “difficult” ways and want therapists to help “fix it.” All relationships of all neurotypes can experience stressors and tensions from time to time, but sometimes relational challenges are born from the unique stressors of being in a neurodivergent-neurotypical (or neuro-blended) relationship.
What is Neurodivergence?
Neurodivergent individuals are those whose neurological development and functioning are different from the mainstream norm. When you do a search online, the term typically refers to people who identify as having Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), or learning disabilities. Neurodiversity recognizes and respects the uniqueness of the range of our neurological makeup, and advocates for inclusivity and acceptance.
Neuro-blended relationships can refer to couples or families with neurological differences, or differing types of neurodivergent and/or neurotypical conditions. These relationships can experience unique challenges compared to neurotypical relationships. That is not to say that neurotypical relationships will never experience challenges, or that neurodivergent relationships will never be ‘successful,’ peaceful, or happy. It is only to say that neuro-blended relationships may face additional difficulties, as the people involved can operate under very different implicit expectations and perspectives.
1) Communication Styles
One of the most common relational complaints in couples or family counseling is wanting better communication. To illustrate the differences in neurotypical and neurodivergent communication, it can be helpful to think of each neurotype as having their own language. While there may be different dialects, one is still largely able to understand another speaker of the same language. In other words, neurotypical individuals can mostly understand other folks speaking ‘neurotypical language,’ and neurodivergent folks can mostly understand other folks speaking ‘neurodivergent language.’ However, neurodivergent folks are expected to be ‘bilingual’ and to understand ‘neurotypical language’ too.
Neurotypical conversation can involve multiple, complex layers of verbal and nonverbal communication. Just as with second-language learners, it can be difficult for neurodivergent individuals to navigate the implicits aspects of neuortypical conversation. This can lead to frustration during conflicts or other situations that may involve more nuanced observations of what is said versus what is unsaid. A neurotypical person may expect and even assume their nonverbal cues and signals are clear and able to be understood. However, if their neurodivergent partner does not meet that expectation, that can lead to blame, miscommunication, and misunderstanding.
For example, couples can find themselves having heated arguments over the semantics of what was said instead of addressing the underlying emotions, wants, or unmet needs. This can look like one person in an argument saying something like, “Didn’t you literally tell me to do x, y, z?” In response, the other person may feel annoyed or exasperated that their intent was missed, leading to even more frustration and resentment. Therapists can help clients discover the idiosyncratic expressions of each person in the relationship, ultimately improving communication in the dynamic.
2) Personal Preferences & Needs
Neurodivergent people may not prefer or need certain aspects of a relationship that may otherwise be common for a neurotypical person. For example, some autistic individuals may not require as much social interaction and may prefer spending more time alone. If an extroverted parent prefers frequent social interaction while their autistic child prefers spending a lot of time alone, they may feel dissatisfied in the parent-child relationship and/or misinterpret their child’s social nature. As a result, they may push the child to engage in social activities, which the child may dislike or even resent.
Another example might be a neuro-blended couple, in which one partner has anxiety and the other has ADHD. A vacation that involves a significant amount of time lounging on a beach may not appeal equally to these two partners. The anxious partner may prefer such a vacation to feel relaxed, whereas the ADHDer may find that ‘doing nothing’ on the beach sounds incredibly boring. This can lead to feelings of isolation and resentment for both partners, or misunderstandings about the relationship.
Both parties can feel unheard regarding their preferences needs. The neurotypical person may feel like their partner is not hearing their requests or trying hard enough to meet them. On the other hand, the neurodivergent person might feel like their partner is not accommodating their needs or being empathetic and forgiving of their differences. Additionally, it can be frustrating and exhausting for the neurodivergent person to feel like they have to advocate for themselves constantly. Over time, the neurodivergent person can feel exhausted and burnt out by the need to justify their existence.
3) Soft Skills
Soft skills refer to the psychosocial skills that affect interaction between individuals. Each person, whether neurotypical or neurodivergent, has their own soft skill profile, and these skills can exist on a spectrum. A neurotypical individual may have different soft skills compared to another neurotypical person, and the same goes for two neurodivergent individuals. Issues can arise when neurotypical and neurodivergent people are interacting with one another. Similarly to the two language issue for communication, there is the ‘double empathy’ problem for social and emotional interactions.
In the double empathy problem, neurotypical people have similar enough skills and expectations to be able to interact effectively with other neurotypical people. In the same way, neurodivergent people can interact effectively with other neurodivergent people. It is an outdated and, frankly, ableist belief that neurodivergent people do not express emotions or understand another person’s emotions. On a basic level, emotional awareness and compassion involve being able to understand another person’s perspective. Given that neurotypical and neurodivergent people experience the world differently, it can be very difficult to understand each other’s perspectives. Thus, in neuro-blended relationships, dissimilarities in emotion regulation, flexibility, teamwork, and empathy can offer unique challenges.
For example, a neurodivergent person may not openly express their feelings, or may experience trouble explaining their feelings to their neurotypical partner in a way that they understand. As a result, couples in which one or both partners are neurodivergent may experience more frequent and intense fights. They may experience difficulty in recognizing, understanding, and communicating their emotional experiences, which can then lead to escalation of emotions. Such couples may also experience a more difficult time returning to a calm state during difficult conversations. These sorts of frustrations in relationships can be due to mismatched empathy, misunderstandings of needs, and/or unclear expectations.
4) Sensory Overload
Neurodivergent individuals can be more easily overstimulated compared to their neurotypical counterparts. Many neurodivergent individuals may also identify as being highly sensitive (or as a Highly Sensitive Person). This may present challenges in relationships, particularly in areas of intimacy. For example, one partner in a couple may prefer more physical touch and affection, whereas the other partner may prefer significantly less. For a highly sensitive or neurodivergent person, too much touch or touch in specific areas can mean the difference between pleasant arousal or fight and flight mode. Intimacy in neuroblended relationships can be tricky to navigate and may require more creative problem solving to maintain.
Another example of sensory overload might involve a family member with heightened senses, who can experience significant discomfort around certain sounds, smells, textures, or temperatures. It can be immensely frustrating to live in a household that seemingly doesn’t care about your experiences, even when you are feeling intensely triggered or overwhelmed. A household containing people with different sensory sensitivities can also be difficult to navigate. If one family member is sensitive to heat while the other is sensitive to cold, this can create discomfort for all parties. Neurotypical people can sometimes have difficulty understanding that sensory experiences can be vastly different for neurodivergent people, so it can be especially important to acknowledge and accept sensory differences. If these differences are not respected, it can make common living feel unbearable.
5) Executive Functioning
Executive functioning skills include time management, sustained attention, impulse control, working memory, mental flexibility, and planning and prioritizing. These skills impact everyday actions, such as managing stress, completing tasks in a timely manner, and making plans in advance. Like soft skills, these skills can exist on a spectrum for both neurotypical and neurodivergent people. For example, in a neuroblended couple, a neurotypical partner might feel irritated by their ADHD partner’s difficulties with maintaining organization or making impulsive decisions.
As another example, when it comes to memory capacity, relationships can sometimes feel unbalanced for the neurotypical individual or the neurodivergent individual without any memory deficits. For example, a child with ADHD might find it difficult to remember to do her chores on time, so her neurotypical parent may fall into the role of becoming her personal reminder. Or a partner may forget to pay the bills on time, so the other partner has to take on that task. This can feel like one party is doing more of the mental labor.
In regards to mental flexibility, it is possible for neurodivergent individuals to be very rigid or very flexible with schedules and other details in everyday life. An autistic person might prefer schedules to be very consistent, whereas an ADHDer might prefer schedules to have more flexibility and novelty. A neurotypical person may find such specific preferences difficult to understand, and may feel like these systems are arbitrary rather than genuine preferences. For example, one party may have intense preferences, such as the need to wear a particular shirt to sleep or to wash their hands in a specific way. When there is mismatched flexibility, especially in time-sensitive situations, neuroblended pairs can feel intensely frustrated by one another.
Being Neurodivergent-Affirming
Perhaps most importantly, a neurotypical person can learn to be affirming of their neurodivergent loved one. That means: assume good intent, advocate and empower, emotional awareness and intelligence of nd’s person emotions, care and affection may be expressed differently. world is different, understanding is different, processing is different, and that’s okay and valuable.
Counseling for Neuro-Blended Relationships
A skilled therapist can help neuro-blended couples and families gain awareness of executive functioning differences, and how these differences impact relationships. By learning to develop much needed coping skills and communication tools, neuro-blended partners can improve the effectiveness of their conflict resolution.
If you think that you are in a neuro-blended relationship, or you are experiencing any of the challenges described above, a great starting point towards building a thriving relationship is to gain insight on what makes you and your loved one unique, neurologically. Therapy can be a great place to start exploring and discussing your differences in an open and welcoming space.
Begin Couples or Family Therapy with a Neurodiversity-Affirming Therapist in Los Angeles, CA or New York today!
At our Los Angeles, CA, and New York City, NY-based therapy practice, we have many neurodiversity-affirming couples and family therapists who can help you navigate the complicated dynamics in neuro-blended relationships between neurodivergent and neurotypical individuals. For your added convenience and simplicity, we offer online therapy for anyone in the state of California or New York. We know that your relationship is important, and we want to help you work through whatever’s holding you back from a thriving relationship. Follow the steps below to begin.
- Fill out the contact form to get connected with us.
- Get matched with a skilled neurodiversity-affirming therapist.
- Start exploring the ways neurological differences may be impacting your relationship.
Other Services at Yellow Chair Collective
There are many options for treatment using online therapy in California and New York, it just depends on what you’re needing. And while we certainly service Asian American folks, we also work with individuals from other cultures, too. So, whether you need support in overcoming anxiety, burnout, trauma, or PTSD, we can help. Likewise, we serve teens and couples in need of support, too. So when you start online therapy with us, you can bring your whole self, including past struggles, cultural impacts, and more.
