We often say we want “a village.” We want support, connection, people who show up when things fall apart or feel heavy. And yet, many of us feel lonelier than ever.
How did we get here?
Hyperindividualism in the Age of “Therapy Speak”
In a society that already highly values independence, the popularization (or rather, weaponization) of “therapy speak” has slowly tipped the scales towards a culture of hyperindividualism. What started with intentions of rest, boundaries, and self-respect in an overworked society may have turned into an overcorrection, swinging the pendulum to the other extreme.
The idea of “protecting my peace” is now often used to justify avoiding any type of inconvenience – even inconveniences that are necessary and natural when living in community. Perhaps we’ve protected our peace too hard, increasing loneliness and weakening connections.
And while these choices may feel regulating in the short term, over time they can gradually increase loneliness and erode the very connections we say we want.
Meaningful connection requires effort, repair, and a willingness to show up, even when it might be a little uncomfortable. And when we aren’t willing to bear the cost of community, we likely won’t have one.
The Cost of Community (and Why It’s Worth It)
Living in community is inevitably inconvenient and always has been.
Community requires flexibility, effort, patience, and repair. It asks us to show up when we’re tired, to stay engaged when things feel awkward, and to tolerate small amounts of discomfort for the sake of something larger than ourselves.
When we aren’t willing to bear the cost of community, we’re unlikely to have one.This doesn’t mean ignoring our limits or tolerating harm. It means recognizing that healthy relationships still involve disappointment, misattunement, negotiation, and work. No relationship is frictionless. No relationship is completely without discomforts.
Self-Care and Community Care
We can find the solution in a balance – shifting away from the black and white thinking of self-care vs. self-abandonment.
A student writer at Vassar College puts it this way:
“The solution is not to abandon self-care—it is to redefine it. Taking care of yourself should make you more capable of showing up for others, not less. Boundaries should protect our relationships, not replace them.”
Self-care and community care are not opposites. Rather, they’re interdependent. True self-care supports nervous system regulation, emotional capacity, and resilience so that we can remain in relationship.
Boundaries are meant to help us be able to show up as our authentic selves in our relationships. They protect relationships by preventing burnout and resentment.
Healthy boundaries sound like:
- “I can help, but not tonight. Can we plan another time?”
- “I need to leave early, but I still want to show up.”
- “I’m upset, and I want to talk about it rather than disappear.”
If You Want a Village, Here’s How to Be a Villager
Community isn’t built through grand gestures. It’s built through ordinary, often unglamorous acts of showing up, especially when it would be easier not to.
Being a villager can look like:
- Making time to attend birthday parties, funerals, hospital visits, or milestones, even when you don’t feel particularly energized or in the mood
- Regularly checking in with friends or family members, not just when something is wrong
- Offering someone a ride to the airport
- Taking turns babysitting or pet-sitting
- Following up to reschedule plans you cancel
- Helping someone move, unpack, or settle in
- Sharing extra fruit, baked goods, or meals with neighbors
What all of these acts have in common is that they communicate a message:
“You matter to me. We are connected. You are not alone.”
A Gentle Reframe
If you’ve noticed yourself pulling away from others in the name of self-protection, it doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. Many people are exhausted, overwhelmed, and carrying more than they were ever meant to hold alone.
The invitation here isn’t to shame yourself into overgiving. It’s to gently reflect:
- Is this boundary helping me stay connected, or helping me avoid?
- Am I avoiding harm, or am I avoiding discomfort?
- What kind of support do I hope to receive, and am I practicing that same care outwardly?
Villages aren’t just found. They’re built slowly over time, together.
And if you want a village, you have to be a villager.
Seek An Individual Therapist at Yellow Chair Collective in Los Angeles or New York
If you are seeking therapy specifically tailored to your needs, consider reaching out to the therapists at Yellow Chair Collective. We understand that there may be unique contextual factors that may influence your experiences.
At our Los Angeles, CA, and New York City, NY-based therapy practice, we have many skilled, trauma-informed, and culturally sensitive therapists who can provide an empowering therapeutic experience. For your added convenience and simplicity, we offer online therapy for anyone in the state of California or New York. We know that navigating your mental health journey can be challenging, and we want to support you along the way. Follow the steps below to begin.
- Fill out the contact form to get connected with us.
- Get matched with one of our culturally sensitive therapists.
- Start the next step in your healing journey today.
Other Services at Yellow Chair Collective
There are many options for treatment using online therapy in California and New York, it just depends on what you’re needing. And while we certainly service Asian American folks, we also work with individuals from other cultures, too. So, whether you’re needing support in overcoming anxiety, burnout, trauma, or PTSD, we can help. Likewise, we serve teens and couples in need of support, too. So when you start online therapy with us, you can bring your whole self, including past struggles, cultural impacts, and more.
