For people with loving families where everyone just somehow gets along, the holidays is usually something to look forward to that brings a smile to your face thinking about the fun, love and laughter usually shared over a table of warm, delicious food. If this resonates, this article is likely not for you.
For the rest of the population though, holiday gatherings can instead feel more nuanced, complicated, like a dreaded obligation, or even, the worst time of year. This can be especially true for Asian American families where the word “boundaries” may not mean what you think it does, and strong family cultural values encourage togetherness even if it feels forced for everyone. Asian cultures often prioritize collectivistic values over individual ones where boundaries are often blurred and personal needs dismissed. The assumption is often, “When will I see you for Thanksgiving/Christmas?” vs. “Will I see you this Thanksgiving/Christmas?”
What are boundaries and how are they different for Asian American families?
A healthy personal boundary involves setting limits for yourself with regard to your space and resources. These limits serve as guidelines that let you know when your identity and autonomy are being crossed. They help to prevent burnout and manage stress, and at the very core, they ensure your sense of safety and wellbeing in the world. If someone is touching you in a way you’re not comfortable with, your boundaries should tell you to move away. If someone is oversharing and you are feeling emotionally overloaded, your boundaries would tell you to change the conversation or cut it short. We all need some level of boundary in relationships in order to maintain mental wellness and a healthy sense of self. Put another way, boundaries are essential to all good relationships and fundamental to your health and wellbeing.
In Asian American contexts however, strong collectivist culture can sometimes create a family boundary around the members of the household instead of at the individual level. In other words, the boundary starts at the family level and not at the individual level. This can help to explain why sometimes your mom just can’t understand why you insist on doing things on your own for the holidays. It is not uncommon for people in Asian cultures to give up their own personal desires in pursuit of the best interest of the family unit. This difference in east meets west is what often creates tension during the holidays as multigenerational, multicultural members of families face social pressure to gather.
It can be confusing to navigate your family’s expectations of you while maintaining your personal desires and staying true to how you feel about seeing them. You are probably oscillating between the tensions of how to avoid disappointing your family while also doing what you want.
So how can you navigate these tricky dynamics of the holidays ahead with grace and empowerment?
- Start with an honest assessment of your needs:
- Reflect on your physical and mental health, are you in a good place right now? Would seeing these family members help you or hurt you?
- Think about your own boundaries and set some limits (What, where and how will you engage? What’s ok? What’s not ok?)
- Think about what you might like to do without the family pressure. Maybe you’d like to hang out with friends instead? Maybe you really need to go away on your own? Maybe you’d just like to keep it simple and do dinner at your place with a few people that bring you joy? Cut the expectations out of your assessment and be honest with yourself about what you’d like to do. Get connected to yourself first.
- Consider your family’s needs:
- What do your family members want from you this holiday season?
- Evaluate if there is a middle ground or compromise you can find between what they want from you and what you are able to give; for example, if dinner is what enjoy but your family wants you around all day Christmas eve and Christmas, maybe just offer to stay for dinner instead
- If there’s just no middle ground, consider if there are other ways you can make your family feel loved/appreciated even if not directly related to giving in to what they want; for example, could you send a thoughtful gift? or suggest spending another time outside the holiday season doing something they might like?
- When you’ve identified everyone’s needs and areas of common interest, think about how you might communicate boundaries with your family.
- Know your audience: who are you speaking with? Will this person respect your limits or are they likely to invalidate, dismiss, or even manipulate?
- Be firm but respectful: you might want to practice saying your boundaries out loud in front of a trusted friend, partner or therapist. Work on vocalizing the boundary a few times and get comfortable saying it in a way that doesn’t put the receiver on defense. You do not need to over explain or make up lies to excuse yourself from unwanted gatherings. Simply offer up your plans and kindly communicate when/how you would like to engage instead.
4. Be prepared for some pushback, resistance, or guilt trips:
- It is natural for some family members to express hurt feelings like sadness, disappointment, disapproval, judgment, anger, or even manipulation when you set a boundary they are not happy with, expect this and don’t be surprised!
- Accept the fact that you cannot and do not owe them your time and need to protect yourself if time with them is not helpful this holiday season
- Handling guilt trips: do not let your family members guilt trip or manipulate you into compromising your boundaries. You are responsible for your own feelings and they are theirs. You want to be authentic in your limits and stand firm.
By following these steps, you can effectively manage boundaries during the holidays in a way that respects both your individual needs and the cultural values of your Asian American household. If you know you will have trouble with boundaries, get accountability and support from friends and other loved ones who understand your struggles as you practice getting more confident. With time and practice, you will find it easier and easier to stick up for what you want in a respectful manner. Remember, you are not responsible for managing their feelings when setting your own limits.
When you struggle with the push and pull of your own wants against your family’s expectations, remember that setting healthy boundaries with them during the holidays is your right as an individual and helps to preserve the relationship. Boundaries preserve your energy and emotional resources while being respectful and considerate of the other party’s needs. While the Asian American context presents some unique challenges to boundary setting during the holidays, you can work towards a win-win situation as best as possible with practice.
Seek An Asian American Therapist in Los Angeles, CA or New York at Yellow Chair Collective
If you are seeking therapy specifically tailored to your needs, consider reaching out to the therapists at Yellow Chair Collective. We understand that there may be unique contextual factors that may influence your experiences.
At our Los Angeles, CA, and New York City, NY-based therapy practice, we have many skilled, trauma-informed, and culturally sensitive therapists who can provide an empowering therapeutic experience. For your added convenience and simplicity, we offer online therapy for anyone in the state of California or New York. We know that navigating your work and career can be challenging, and we want to support you on your journey. Follow the steps below to begin.
- Fill out the contact form to get connected with us.
- Get matched with one of our individual therapists.
- Start the next step in your career journey.
Other Services at Yellow Chair Collective
There are many options for treatment using online therapy in California and New York, it just depends on what you’re needing. And while we certainly service Asian American folks, we also work with individuals from other cultures, too. So, whether you’re needing support in overcoming anxiety, burnout, trauma, or PTSD, we can help. Likewise, we serve teens and couples in need of support, too. So when you start online therapy with us, you can bring your whole self, including past struggles, cultural impacts, and more.
