By Helen Garcia, Filipina American Therapist & Storyteller
In a recent clip, director Celine Song shared something that stopped me in my tracks. Before creating her upcoming film Materialists, she worked as a professional matchmaker in New York City. Her job? Helping people find love. But what surprised her most was this: love, for many, had become about numbers.
Clients didn’t just want someone “kind” or “compatible.” They wanted a partner who was at least 6 feet tall. Or made over $300K. Or had a certain BMI. Love, it seemed, had turned into a math equation.
As a therapist, I wasn’t shocked—but I was sobered. Because this is exactly what I see in so many therapy rooms today. Especially among women of color navigating dating in a world that often asks them to prove their worth.
When Dating Becomes a Data Sheet
We live in an age where apps, bios, and filters make it feel like we should know everything about someone before we ever meet them. But in this sea of statistics—height, age, zip code, salary—something sacred is getting lost: the actual experience of feeling connected to another human.
And for many Asian American women, this gets even more layered. Not only do we contend with the pressure to look a certain way or achieve a certain income—we also navigate stereotypes, family expectations, and cultural scripts that tell us love should look a certain way.
I’ve worked with women who feel ashamed for wanting romance. Who feel like they’re too “needy” for longing to be chosen without having to sell themselves. Who feel exhausted from dating as if it’s a job application.
This is dating fatigue. But beneath it is grief. The grief of constantly auditioning for intimacy.
Love vs. Optimization
What Celine Song witnessed as a matchmaker—this obsession with “optimizing” our love lives—is a mirror of the culture we live in. One that tells us: if we just check enough boxes, we’ll finally get the outcome we want.
But love doesn’t work like that. Relationships aren’t Amazon orders. They are living, breathing, unpredictable things.
And when we chase numbers, we often abandon what really matters. Like emotional safety. Shared values. Being able to repair after conflict. The ability to be soft without fear of being discarded.
The Possibility of a Different Story
In Materialists, Song invites us to sit with the discomfort of these modern contradictions: wanting love, fearing vulnerability, craving closeness, yet using stats to stay “safe.” And maybe that’s why her story resonates so deeply.
It reminds us that the kind of love we truly long for—the kind that sees us in all our complexity—can’t be filtered, calculated, or guaranteed. It has to be felt. It has to be risked.
So What Do We Do With All This?
If you’re navigating dating right now, especially in a world that makes you feel like a number: I see you. And I want to remind you—
- You don’t have to be the most impressive person in the room to be loved.
- You don’t have to optimize your way into connection.
- You are allowed to want tenderness, not just “alignment.”
Instead of asking, “Do they check all my boxes?”—what if we asked, “Can I be fully myself with them?”
“What parts of me come alive around them?”
“What does my body feel when I’m with them—tense, or safe?”
The stories we tell about love matter. And so does the way we find love.
Not everything sacred can be measured. And the deepest connections? They aren’t chosen by numbers. They’re chosen by heart.
Seek An Individual Therapist at Yellow Chair Collective in Los Angeles or New York
If you are seeking therapy specifically tailored to your needs, consider reaching out to the therapists at Yellow Chair Collective. We understand that there may be unique contextual factors that may influence your experiences.
At our Los Angeles, CA, and New York City, NY-based therapy practice, we have many skilled, trauma-informed, and culturally sensitive therapists who can provide an empowering therapeutic experience. For your added convenience and simplicity, we offer online therapy for anyone in the state of California or New York. We know that navigating your mental health journey can be challenging, and we want to support you along the way. Follow the steps below to begin.
- Fill out the contact form to get connected with us.
- Get matched with one of our culturally sensitive therapists.
- Start the next step in your healing journey today.
Other Services at Yellow Chair Collective
There are many options for treatment using online therapy in California and New York, it just depends on what you’re needing. And while we certainly service Asian American folks, we also work with individuals from other cultures, too. So, whether you’re needing support in overcoming anxiety, burnout, trauma, or PTSD, we can help. Likewise, we serve teens and couples in need of support, too. So when you start online therapy with us, you can bring your whole self, including past struggles, cultural impacts, and more.
