It can be complicated to manage relationship dynamics between siblings in a typical family. When one family member is neurodivergent, this can add complexity to the family dynamics and roles. While neurodivergence certainly affects the family member themselves, it can also affect the other members of the family. It can show up in relationships between neurodivergent and neurotypical siblings, and in r relationships between each sibling and their parents.
Neurodivergence refers to the ways a brain functions differently in comparison to what is considered typical or standard. This can look like thinking, processing, and experiencing the world differently, and these differences can exist on a spectrum. Neurodivergence commonly includes attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), autism spectrum disorder (ASD or autism), dyslexia, and other learning and developmental conditions and disabilities like Tourette’s and Down Syndrome. As our understanding of neurodivergence grows, this definition may come to include additional diagnoses and conditions. In this podcast, we primarily focus on ADHD and autism.
Signs of Neurodivergence
Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and autism spectrum disorder (autism) tend to be diagnosed in early childhood when parents, caregivers, and school or medical professionals identify that children are not meeting developmental milestones. However, both ADHD and autism can be diagnosed later into childhood or adulthood.
ADHD can present as inattention, hyperactivity, or both. For example, a child with ADHD may be distractible and forgetful, or restless and unable to sit still. Autism spectrum disorder (autism) involves challenges with social communication, and behaviors that are restricted or reptitive. For example, a child with autism may experience difficulty with reciprocating conversation, and may engage in repetitive sounds or actions. They may also experience challenges with certain sensory experiences.
Once a family identifies that one member of the family is neurodivergent, it is essential for parents and children to have conversations about what neurodivergence means and how it shows up in their family. The neurodivergent may need more individual time and support, so it is important for parents to help their neurotypical children understand why that is the case. Additionally, while a neurotypical sibling may feel that being in a neurodivergent family is their ‘normal’ and their reality, they may experience stigma in their interactions with their peers. They may also need assistance in navigating their recognition of differences in their family dynamics versus those of other families.
Family Dynamics
Neurodivergence can affect a whole family, additionally so if the neurodivergent family member has special needs or is disabled in some way. Parents may need to offer their neurodivergent child additional support with daily living tasks. Or they may need to assist their child with receiving various therapeutic services, such as speech therapy or occupational therapy. Parents may find that they are constantly trying to balance all of their children’s various needs. In struggling to do so, they may find themselves feeling frustration, exhaustion, and guilt for struggling to do so.
Neurotypical siblings may feel like the bulk of their family’s time and attention is directed towards their neurodivergent sibling. They may feel like they do not get enough space for themselves, or their wants and needs are not met often. Siblings may also feel internally or externally pressured to grow up quickly and take on more mature roles. For example, they may be asked to take on additional responsibilities, or they may be asked to be flexible with their neurodivergent sibling’s needs. If their neurodivergent sibling requres increased scheduling or structure, they may experience stress or feel like their life is outside of their control.
Birth order can also affect how neurotypical siblings experience neurodivergent family dynamics. Older siblings may feel resentful of the time and attention taken away from them, or may feel the need to become independent quickly. Younger siblings, who grew up with neurodivergence as their reality, may not share that same resentment but may still feel the pressure to grow up faster than their peers. Regardless of birth order, however, siblings may face increased expectations from their family and themselves to be more mature. They may also find themselves maturing more quickly, as they face external stigma about their neurodivergent or disabled sibling. They may even feel the need to take on an advocate or protector role for their sibling, especially if their peers or other family members are not understanding or inclusive.
Sibling Dynamics
In addition to facing additional responsibilities, neurotypical siblings of neurodivergent children may experience increased stress and emotional chaos. Typical siblings may feel the pressure to be independent, well-behaved, or a good example. Whenever they do struggle, they may be implicitly asked not to cause any additional difficulties or problems for their family. For example, they may find that they are required to be patient as they accompany their sibling to many different appointments or services. They may also find that their parents expect them to accommodate their neurodivergent sibling. For example, they may feel it is unfair that they are expected to be especially understanding and forgiving in conflicts with their sibling.
Neurotypical siblings may respond differently to this unspoken pressure to perform and behave well. They may internalize this expectation, and develop a sense of anxiety around performance and/or perfectionism. They may also engage in sibling rivalry with their other neurotypical siblings. There may be competiveness to receive the limited amount of attention that their parents can offer. There may also be conflict, as they find themselves forced to work through any negative feelings with each other rather than with their parents or neurodivergent sibling. Some neurotypical siblings may struggle to accommodate their neurodivergent sibling, while other typical siblings in the same family may feel additionally pressured to meet their sibling’s needs.
In having a neurodivergent sibling, a typical sibling can learn unique perspectives and develop increased compassion and empathy. At the same time, typical sibling can feel jealous, envious, confused, or resentful that their neurodivergent sibling gets more time, attention, patience, and leniency. Parents can foster positive relationships between their neurotypical and neurodivergent children through individual attention to each child, and through shared activities. Siblings can learn to recognize and celebrate their unique strengths, and parents can ensure that collaboration on responsibilities is fair and fosters teamwork.
Family Gathering Challenges
Family gatherings, social events, and special occasions can all be challenging for neurodivergent families. With the excitement of festivities, changes in routines, and increased social interaction with unfamiliar folks, there are many factors that can be overwhelming for a neurodivergent person. For indivudals with heightened sensory sensitivity, crowded spaces with loud music and unfamiliar foods can lead to overstimulation and dysregulation. Routine dysruptions can feel very uncomfortable for those who find safety and security in knowing what to expect from their daily schedule. More time with family, friends, and unfamiliar folks can lead to social and emotional burnout. Travel can be particularly stressful too.
Families can prepare in advance to make gatherings more accessible and accommodating for neurodivergent members. For example, being mindful of environmental factors, preparing for unfamiliar activities and foods, and advocating for specific needs with other friends and family. These accommodations can be helpful for neurotypical siblings as well. Preparing designated quiet spaces for all of the children, providing access to familiar foods as well as special occasion foods, and offering different options so different siblings can choose different activities or intensity levels. While it can be important to have inclusive activities that involve all members of the family, it is okay to split into teams and then reconvene. The neurodivergent child may need time and space to themselves, but their neurotypical siblings may too.
Advice and Considerations for Neurotypical Siblings
It can be challenging to balance various needs within a family. Depending on the significance of the neurodivergent sibling’s needs, some neurotypical siblings can feel like their needs go unmet. For example, you may feel like you can never take up too much space, and you always have to take care of yourself. However, like with any family, each sibling deserves to have their wants and needs met. It makes sense that you may not want to compromise on everything. It is okay for you to advocate for yourself and for you to set your own boundaries. You may need to be flexible as you accommodate your sibling’s unique capabilities, but know that you can protect your own space and remove yourself from a situation if needed.
As you and your family plan and prepare for your neurodivergent sibling’s needs, plan and prepare for meeting your own needs too. Consider how you can find safety and comfort even during situations of emotional turmoil, and how you can ensure you have adequate time and attention for yourself. Create a menu or list of coping strategies that work for you. For example, you may prefer grounding strategies like breathing exercises, or destressing strategies like journaling or walking. Create opportunities for self-care, hobbies, and activities that you enjoy with and without your family. Beyond yourself, consider who you can turn to for support. Connection with others, particularly other neuortypical siblings, can be more impactful than you may think.
Remember – your positive and negative thoughts and feelings are all valid. It’s not your sibling’s fault that they have increased needs, and it’s not your fault that you want yours met too. As you practice compassion for your sibling, don’t forget to practice compassion for yourself. Recognize the flexibility and social skills that you develop as strengths that you will always carry with you. Give yourself space to express yourself and find things just for you. If you find yourself having trouble figuring out how to do that, professional support can help you process your upbringing and find more balance in yourself and in your sibling dynamics.
Final Note
Sibling dynamics can be complicated, and when you factor in neurodivergence, they can be even more so. There can be feelings of frustration, resentment, and guilt. At the same time, there can be pride, protectiveness, and deep love and understanding. Regardless of how a sibling relationship develops, know that open communication and mutual accommodation can go a long way. Plus, with patience, compassion, and empathy as natural outcomes, neurodivergent family relationships can be a source of strength too.
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